If it has to be it is up to me.

A very wise lady once told me: ‘If it has to be, it is up to me’ and these words have stuck with me ever since. Not only that, but they have also proven to be true. 

I am writing this blog for everyone who is looking to meet that special someone to share his or her already amazing life with. 

My first piece of advice would be: in order to attract the ‘perfect’ partner for you, you have to be the person you would like to meet, meaning, you need to understand yourself and why now is the right time for you to meet that special someone who will bring out the best in you and vise versa. Also, if you are not happy with what you see in the mirror, physically or emotionally, it is probably best you first work on becoming the person you expect to meet. As the saying goes: 95% of success is preparation and only 5% is execution. The same can be said about doing the groundwork for a sustainable relationship. You want to have a solid foundation to build on. Unfortunately, relationship dynamics are not part of the school curriculum, although it should be, as the quality of your life will largely depend on the nature of your relationships. 

All too often this first consideration – the idea of having a solid ground to build on – is completely being ignored and people simply live their life according to a checklist. When society dictates it is time for a relationship, people throw themselves into the dating scene and with the first profile picture that looks acceptable to them, they swipe right. They then go on trying to ‘connect’ with this potential candidate. As an outsider this all looks laughable but at the same time it is quite sad to see what some people go through. Of course, everything depends on your aim or intention and that of the other party involved. I see so many people playing games and wasting each other’s time. Therefore, I recommend being blatantly honest and straightforward, making it clear what you are looking for and what your values entail. After all, you have nothing to lose!

I always use the following analogy when explaining a ‘vibing’ partnership to my clients: A relationship is like being in a boat; if both parties row in the opposite directions, they will be exhausted and the boat goes nowhere. However, if they row in the same direction, they could reach their destination faster than expected. So, why not put all your cards on the table and see if the match can evolve into a solid partnership? 

The perfect tool to explore these possibilities is ‘good communication’, however, not only during the discovery phase open and transparent communication will foster things to run smooth, it is most definitely a valuable skill to keep applying during your relationship also. Couples who have good communication have a more harmonious relationship experience and have an 80% higher chance in resolving relationship issues fast and in a constructive manner.

Here is a third tip: the discovery period should not be long – no longer than 3 weeks. Once you have an indication that your values are aligned though messages and chats, no time should be wasted to meet in person. Reason being: there needs to be physical attraction. If this is not the case, there is no point in keeping on going. Sometimes chemistry can grow, but in most cases it is as simple as a yes or a no. Some people wait months before they meet in person and keep on putting it off. Most reasons for postponing the D-day are merely excuses. Some individuals are addicted to this phase, as at this stage, the potential relationship is imaginary and it all feels good, but it is fake! This is fine if you are sixteen but if it is your aim to find a potential partner to spend time with, you might as well be intentional and uncover the answers to your questions sooner rather than later. 

If there are things that are non-negotiable for you within a relationship, bring them up on the first face-to-face meeting and consider if you like what you hear, see and feel. If the answers you get are not aligned with your values, this is not the person for you.

Please don’t lie to yourself as this is just prolonging your search and you are stealing time from yourself and from the other person.

Of course a relationship is an exchange of value, time and care for each other. This is a reciprocal act that is very well explained in Social Exchange Theory (SET) – there is a give and receive and the other way round. To sketch you a picture: the model looks like scales that needs to stay in balance in order to sustain. Each side of the scales is one party in the relationship that contributes to the ‘relationship experience’, providing the other party with value of some kind.  To be able to sustain a healthy relationship the balance needs to be maintained.

A few weeks back I came across a video of a gentlemen – I am being nice here, as there was nothing gentle about this man – who was telling the world what he wanted his future partner to be like. What stood out like neon sign was that this man’s ego was larger than large and that he had a lot of inner-work to do himself! Often when people are that cocky about their expectations of others, it is a façade to keep the lime light off of them. The video went on for approximately 5 minutes, blaming people from the past and feeding his ego about what his expectations were for his future partner. However, not once did the man say anything about what he had to offer or what he was planning to bring to the table of this amazing relationship with this divine feminine goddess he described, who would support him behind the scenes… 

This brings me back to my initial point; we need to be the person we want to attract. If our cup is full we can effortlessly give to the other and enjoy the depth and harmony of the relationship experience.

In closing, sharing our life with someone is a beautiful, but the most important relationship we will ever have is the relationship we have with our self. If we are not fulfilled within, it will be challenging to experience happiness within a partnership. Therefore, always make sure you keep your own cup full so it will be much easier to give and truly enjoy what you receive.

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